Exercise 6: The Third Side of a Coin:

Writing Exercise 6: What does the phrase, "There are two sides to a coin" mean to you?

1 Coin, 2 Labels & 3 Sides

Why do people say there are two sides to every coin?  I think that most people say that to suggest there are two ways to look at every situation. However, I think they are wrong.  Most people imagine a coin having only two sides with the labels “heads” or “tails,” but I imagine that the thin and narrow side of the coin is another side that gets taken for granted.  I can also see more than two sides of a story.  For instance, when I think about my son’s inevitable departure from the nest three sets of feelings immediately arise: one of great joy and excitement, one of great sadness and one of great love.

The Positive Side: Great Joy and Excitement
People generally view one side of the coin as holding all of the positive attributes of a situation or set of consequences for a choice that needs to be made.  I think they might be right as my son’s inevitable departure does have a bright side.  I feel great joy and excitement with the prospect of him striking it out on his own for two reasons. 

First, I am happy for him to find his own ground to stand on.    I have nothing but high hopes for him as he is currently looking for work and thus will be able to live on his own with sustainable lifestyle.  I imagine that he won’t be moving too far, so we can enjoy visiting one another, and he will be able to enjoy his new found freedom.  What will he do with that freedom?  Will he take on a new hobby?  Perhaps dating might look different for him.  Would he spend more time on the things he wanted to do that he couldn’t do with me around?  Will he be redefining himself with his clothes, hair, and personal style?  The possibilities are wide open!

The other reason I am joyful and excited about his moving out is more self-serving.  To be honest, I am looking forward to having my own space again.  And I don’t mean just physical space.  As you can imagine, most of my time, energy, money, as well as my physical space has been enmeshed with his life.  Now, I ain’t complaining, but there is a pile of things that I would like to get to, and some of them will have to wait until he flies from the nest.  When he moves out, there will be so many spaces open for me to fill, and I am excited!  One of the first things is to figure out what to do with his room.  Do I tear down the wall so that I can once again have a large bedroom?  Do I keep the wall up and turn it into an office space?  Maybe I could rent it out.  The possibilities, again, are endless.  And that is just it.  It is the new possibilities for the both of us that make me so joyful and excited.

The Negative Side: Great Sadness

Flip to the other side of the coin.  People usually imagine this side as being negative, where all of the unwanted consequences of a choice or depressing situation live.   Some may even consider this to be the losing side, especially if it is not the one you called in a coin toss.  For me, the losing side of my son moving out is that it has brought, and will probably continue to bring, on a great sadness.  This feeling may be typical to most parents, but to understand the full scope of my emotions, you would have to understand how we became a family. 

Part of my sadness stems from that fact that three years ago, I started what seems to be a long journey that is now nearing an end.  In the spring of 2009 I set out to adopt a child and create a family.  During my orientation for adoption certification presented by You Gotta Believe at the NYC LGBTCenter, I learned about their goal to end homelessness by placing older teens in families before they age out of the foster care system at 21 years old. Although I was initially interested in adopting a young child, I gently let go of that dream and to follow a new one. 

Although the training had already started and they were on session 4, the trainings were continuous and would eventually loop back to session 1.  This meant I could start immediately on session 4 and continue in the loop until session 3 was completed.  I was relieved, but anxious as to whether or not I was really ready to adopt.  Mary Keane, the facilitator, reminded me that this was only certification training and that I could be certified and I could still choose not to adopt.  With that, I took a breath and signed up for ten training sessions.

I enjoyed the trainings and learned a lot from the first two.  However, I was unprepared for my third session entitled, “The 6^th Session: Youth Panel Presents.”   At this session, a youth panel presented the ins and outs of living in foster care, what they wanted in an ideal family, and what they aspired to be as they got older.  After the heartfelt and honest presentations, an 18 year old panelist made a bee-line directly towards me, cutting through the crowd of other prospective parents.  This is how I met Blair, my son, four years ago.  He came right up to me and asked me when I was going to be certified because he needed a home now. 

After a year of training, paperwork and home inspections, Blair was allowed to have home visits with me.  In the spring of 2010 we saw movies, ate dinners, bought books, and played on the internet together.  One of the finest things we did together was go dancing at the Big Apple Ranch.  Prior to this, he never partner-danced, but he took to it like a fish to water.  He danced the two-step as if he was born wearing cowboy boots!  He picked up the two-step quickly, which made him eager to learn how to dance the hustle, cha cha, salsa, and swing.

But it wasn’t all just fun and games.  We worked together on his GED book we bought at Barnes and Nobles.  And because of his efforts, he was able to get his GED that summer, and that qualified him to enroll in college.  He was reluctant, but not resistant to the idea of college. So with a little push from me, he applied and got into Monroe College’s Associate Degree Program in Culinary Arts.  He moved in with me that fall and we spent months working on developing good study habits, reading and comprehension skills, and motivation strategies.  He was eager to learn and easy to work with.  I am so proud of the effort he always puts into his life.

Now that was only three years ago, and yet it seems like a lifetime ago.

We’ve done so much since then.  As a family, we’ve learned how to work and play together.  We’ve gone on vacations to California and P-Town.  We’ve driven halfway across the country to visit his biological family.  We’ve learned how to support each other as well as ask for help when we need it.  We’ve both gained from our experiences together.  I have learned to practice patience, discipline, clear communication and guitar. Blair has taught me how to make a few new dishes and offered me handy tricks in the kitchen.  He has gained a deeper confidence, mindfulness, and compassion. He also has his driver’s license, passport, and his college degree!

So it is with great sadness that I see this chapter of our lives close, as I will miss the spontaneous experiences we get to share while living in the same home, such as bumping into each other, “Good Mornings and Good Nights,” and all of the “Can we talk” moments.  I know that no matter where he moves to, he is only a phone or text away, but it just isn’t the same.  I grieve for the distance that will grow between us as well as for the cherished memories that will fade ever so slightly as time unfolds.  This is the negative side of the coin that I hold in my heart.

The Continuous Side: Great Love

As mentioned at the start of this essay, I think that the most important side of a coin that gets much too overlooked is the thin and narrow side.  You know the side of the coin that you use to spin it?  That is the third side of a coin.  People are generally annoyed with this side of the coin as it aids the coins in “running away” from their owners when they roll after being accidentally dropped.  In a nickel, you can actually stand it on this side and roll it down on an incline.  The most important and unique characteristic of this side is that it is not flat, but rounded and therefore continuous.

And like the third edge of a coin, my love for Blair will continue long after he has moved out.  Yes, I will sleep better when he is out late because I won’t here the door close when he gets home.  And yes, I will be able to make plans that aren’t heavily influenced about whether or not he will be home or at work.  And oh so sweetly, in the morning, I will be able to sleep in and be woken up by the many alarms he sets and sleeps through.   However, I will continue to care about all of that and more.  I find that love is coupled with both support and concern.  I will continue to support Blair, even at distance, and I will continue to care about him.  I call to check in and advance him some money, as many parents do.  I will hope he lives with integrity and hope.  I will wish that his daily choices reflect his deepest values.  All of that will continue like a coin spinning down a hill.

 When a coin is in motion, much like life is, it relies mostly on the third side.  If gets pulled too heavily on one side or the other, it will fall and travel no more.  However, if it is able to stay balanced between the two sides, it can travel long distances and experience more. 

So please offer respect to the third side of any coin.  And may we all feel the pull of the two sides, and yet, stay balanced on love.