Writing Exercise 13: Got OJ?

Writing Exercise 13: Can you describe something sensually?

When I was younger, I loved eating oranges on a hot summer day.  I found them to be plentiful and available all year round where I lived.  I relished the lingering sweet smell in the air that started as soon as I dug my nail into the peel and it lasted about an hour after eating the final juicy bite.  Sometimes I would rub the peel between my fingers, and then smell the scent of the oils on my fingers all day long!

And that is the beauty of an orange.  An orange can be consumed in so many ways!  Today, an orange still reminds me of the bright midday sun, but instead of pouring light like star in the sky, an orange can pour refreshing tangy juice and pulp after pulp into a glass after being squeezed in a juicer.  It appears to me that the juicer gets the raw end of the deal.  It does all the work and never gets to enjoy the luscious flow of the golden river of flavor.   

There is nothing better on a hot summer morning, than having breakfast with a large glass of fresh squeezed orange juice.  I love the way its coolness runs through my body.  It sometimes feels like I am coated in a chill force field and every heat-wave bounces off of the orange bubble.  Usually, I make sure to eat my breakfast first and save the large glass of cool sunshine as my dessert for a job well done!

Writing Exercise 12: The Other 1%

Writing Exercise 12 – Write something about letting go and moving forward

As I continue on this path of writing every day for 30 days, I am realizing how amazing my life is.  In exercise #4 , I wrote about being lucky and how luck is a state of mind, not something that happens upon someone.  Today, I submit that wealth can be the same thing.  And although in recent news, the 1% has the corner market on wealth, I think there is another 1% that can discover wealth.

I have heard (and read) many spiritual leaders say that if we want what we have, then we will not want for anything.  I recently read that on a slip of paper someone slipped inside my fortune cookie in Chinatown.  And although the saying may be true, I think it is too one dimensional. What if what we have is crappy?  Should we want to want crap?  I think not.

As mentioned in earlier posts, I have had some struggles in my life including living on my own at a young age.  As a gay person of color, I was the source of laughter for so many people who participated in racial and homophobic taunts.  In addition to this torment, I was also sexually assaulted, raped, and beaten bloody all before age 15.  All of that was pretty crappy.  In fact, that was crap served with a side of crap, topped with a cherry made of crap.

And I could tell you all of those experiences made me a better person.  I could also say with absolute certainty it makes me who I am today, which is a pretty good person, though not very humble.  But when I was being raped, sexually assaulted, beaten, taunted, and living on my own at a young age, hearing or reading about this kind of enlightenment would not have been very helpful.   In fact, I would have been downright turned off.   I didn’t care if I was going to be a better person for all the misery I had to endure. 

So what did I do to get through those crappy times to what I consider a life of luxury?  Well, what I did was focus on what I wanted since I was pretty clear on what I didn’t want.  And because I knew I didn’t want my life to continue the way it was, regardless of whose fault it was, I paid attention to what I did want.

Now, I ain’t saying that is easy to do.  After all, it was sexy, at the time, to join the complaining crowd and cower in the crap.  But can you visualize that last sentence?  That is not my kind of sexy no more!

Focusing on what I wanted was difficult work, but was certainly doable and definitely worth it.  But nonetheless, it was difficult because I didn’t know how to do it.  One of the reasons it was so difficult was because when I started focusing on what I wanted, my head would tell tons of stories that would distract me from my goal.

And this distraction, though I have gotten better at silencing it, still happens today.  In recent years, when I was going through my certification process to be a prospective single parent for adoption, I was living in a rented room in the Bronx, near the Bronx Zoo.  In order to be certified, I had to have my own apartment, and the “child” had to have a room with four walls, a door and a window.  I had only one room for myself!  In that moment, I could have cowered into the uncertainty and get distracted by that current reality.  And I did. But with feirce faith, I went to the training sessions anyway.  I believed reality would have to work itself out if I stayed committed.  And it did!  In about 4 months, I found myself living in my coop converting the bedroom into two rooms.  And although that was a daring move, my most daring move was when I was finally certified to adopt my son Blair.

When I was in the process of adopting Blair, Ihad a full-time job, but I also taught part-time at a local college. I believed I needed to make myself available to him when he finally moved in, and I just couldn't see how I could make that happen.  All my life I was groomed to value a full-time job with benefits and prestige, though not necessarily in that order. 

Financially, I now also needed money to feed two mouths.   I didn’t know what to do.  How would I free up time, but still have enough money?  I was afraid of making a wrong decision.  I felt like I could be  sabotaging my own life.  I started to feel paralyzed and small.  What if I end up not being able to pay rent?  Then what?  And aside from the financial and health benefits of my full-time job, letting go of that position would also mean that I was letting go of working with amazing people, putting together amazing education and prevention programs for teens on dating violence, sexual assault and advocacy.  I loved that job, and thought perhaps I was making a huge mistake.

This and many other thoughts flooded my mind, but I took a breath and refocused on what I wanted.  Again, I wasn’t going to let a little reality called financial stability get in my way!  Oh no!

Six months before Blair moved in, I stood up to my fears and made my decision to free up my daytime.  I was thinking along the lines of paternity leave, but for a few years.  So, I quit my prestigious position at Rockland Family Shelter (RFS) as the Director of Education where I had vacation time, health and retirement benefits and a salary. 

That was my most recent daring and difficult move, but I had faith that it would all work out.  And it did!  I continued my work Monroe College as an adjunct professor to make ends meet; and now, two years later, I work as a consultant for RFS.

Now, I am lucky in that things did work out, but I think it was because my attention was so focused on what I wanted.  The reality I had didn’t have a chance.  It had to shift.   That is the key. 

While the crappy experience of my childhood is imbedded in my body and soul, and I refer to it lovingly and sometimes very gently, it was my determination and focus that lead me to the life of luxury I live in now.  And as hard as it sounds, with practice, I was able to let go of all the false realities I held for myself.

So, please do want what you have, if what you have is absolutely amazing!  However, if it isn’t just yet, recreate your reality, let go of the stories that hold you back and focus on what you want.  By doing this, you can be part of the other 1%.

Writing Exercise 11: The Four Sign Posts

Writing Exercise 11: Where do you find happiness?

I went to a meeting last night entitled, “Is Happiness aChoice?” at the community center on 13^th Street in Manhattan. I learned from eight other people of varying ages and genders who spoke about ways to find happiness.  Most of the conversation valued happiness as a prize to be attained.  Some people said that happiness is more like a path or a discipline.  I remember the person sitting next to me said that in order to be happy, one must choose to want to be happy.  I always appreciate being part of these kinds of groups as it helps me get thinking and feeling more clearly.

I pondered all the ideas shared in the group as I later walked the few blocks to my car.  This led me to four ideas about finding happiness.

Be Open:

First, I realized I don’t only want to be happy.  In fact, I don’t think that people should only be happy.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think people should be doom and gloom all the time either.  While sitting in the group I felt compelled to find more happiness in my life.  I felt an urgency to do so.   However, upon reflection, this fixation on being happy seems so superficial and one dimensional.  Why is being happy so valued over all of the other emotions?

Be Authentic:

My second thought led me to think about smiles and pictures.  Have you ever noticed that in most family photographs, people are smiling?  In fact, people are encouraged to smile.  I can still remember being tickled by my sister when we were in a photo together so that I would be sure to smile.  Inside, I was angry each time she did it, but my smile betrayed my emotions.  Now when I look back at some of those photos I can see the disingenuous look on my face. 

But smiles are important in many pictures and even some paintings.  The Mona Lisa’s smile is famously alluring, but most paintings that are highly valued aren’t just of people smiling.  They are usually of people expressing a wide range of emotions.  It is the authenticity of the emotion expressed that makes a picture or painting so valuable, not just the subject’s avid search for happiness.

Be Present:

And that led me to my third idea.  Daring to feel and express a wide range of emotions is more not only courageous, but necessary for the human experience.  If someone was only on a quest to find happiness, then I think he or she will miss out on finding it.  Sometimes when I lose my glasses, I can search all over the house and still not find it, only to realize it was sitting on top of my head the whole time.  In a search for happiness, one can easily forget to be present and enjoy all that life has to offer, the bitter, the savory, and the sweet. 

Be Appreciative:

And that leads me to my final point.  If we lived in a world where the weather was always nice, we would eventually take that for granted and not notice it any more.  And if it got a little warmer or a little colder, we would feel upset that anything changed.  Luckily, here in NY, we get to feel a whole host of degrees and can appreciate the warm, the mild and the cold.  The search for happiness is quite similar.  If we were to only focus on happiness, then we might not notice all of the other feelings.  And worse yet, we might not feel the difference in the varying degrees of happiness.  We might see the varying degrees as bad.  However, allowing ourselves to feel a wide range of emotions allows us to appreciate the all of the emotions as well as the varying degrees in each emotion.

I benefited tremendously from last night’s group at the center.  And I wake up today to feeling just a little more than I did yesterday as I think about being more open to all of my emotions, being authentic to how I feel, being present to all that is around and within me, and being appreciative of all the varying degrees.

Thank you for reading this.  May you be open, may you be authentic, may you be present and may you be appreciative to all that you feel today.

Writing Exercise 10: The Lost Children

Writing Exercise 10: Re-write a children’s story.

This is a story about two children who became lost in the Forest of Disorientation.

Once upon a time, there were two children who lived on the East Side.  They were old enough to venture off on their own, or so their hard working single mother thought.  So one day, they set out to see their grandma and their cousin Red on the West Side.  Little did anyone know that this would be the last day anyone would to see them again. 

As they walked block after block, they soon grew weary and hungry, and their feet grew callouses.  Through mental telepathy, they both thought it would be quicker to cut through the Forest of Disorientation.  And so on they went.

With their bellies still grumbling, they remembered their mother packed them both hardy sandwiches for the trek.  And so they pulled them out and fiercely ate all but the nasty crust to silence their noisy bellies.  They finished their last bites as they approached the Forest of Disorientation.  Their bravery waned as they looked up at the tall trees and down on the muddy grounds.  The children took one look at each other, gulped and walked into the forest while holding hands. 

They instinctually dropped small pieces of the uneaten crust so that they could find their way back in case something went horribly wrong.  But they soon found out it was they who were doing something horribly wrong.

Unbeknownst to the children, a dark large bear crept up behind them.  The bear had been following them since they entered the forest and was picking up each crust the wayward children left behind, growling ever so softly with each drop.  Suddenly, the children noticed a large shadow overtaking them and slowly turned around.  Their knees were shaking and their hearts were pounding in fear. 

The angry bear launched at them.  He started with an introduction of himself and then proceeded to lecture the children on the dangers of feeding wildlife as well as the irresponsibility of littering.  Sargent Smokey charged them for both littering and feeding the wild life without a license.  He dismissed them and told them that they could either send in the fine to the address listed on the back, or go online to submit their plea of “not guilty.”  He smirked at them as he walked away holding up a zip-lock bag of the crusty evidence.

Since then, no one has seen nor heard of the children again.  They remain lost in the forest today.  Or are they really hiding?

Exercise 9: There Really Is No Excuse!

Writing Exercise 9: Write about a time when you had to make an excuse for something.

Yesterday, I was slammed with work and family stuff.  It seemed like I didn’t have a moment to myself to do anything I really wanted to do.  I didn’t get to the papers I wanted to grade.  I didn’t get to participate in my daily writing exercise.  I didn’t even get to have a proper dinner!

Folks who know me know that I tell people to take care of themselves first, as that is really the only way to take care of others.  In any manual about safety, they always insist on you taking care of yourself first, whether it is to affix your oxygen mask securely to your own face before assisting others, or assessing the situation to ensure your own safety before approaching what might be a dangerous scene.  However, yesterday, it felt like I forgot to look both ways, and ran right into the danger zone without my own mask securely fastened to my face!

I woke today wondering about the poor choices I made yesterday.  I, and my belly, remembered the large bag of kettle cooked potato chips I ate for dinner.  Why did I do that?  How could I have let myself run so ragged?  I can easily rattle off answers and admit that I ran out of time.  I had too much work to do.  It is the end of the semester for my students and their stress level has increased, thus affecting my stress level.  My son is going through a lot, and he needs me to be supportive.  The list goes on and on. All of these supposed reasons are valid and important, and yet, they aren’t really reasons at all.  They are excuses for my making poor choices.

Isn’t that the truth?  I chose in every instance to fill my time the way I did.  I chose to eat a bag of chips instead of an apple.  I chose to stop my work and listen to my son.  I chose to get upset about all of it as well.  Each choice was mine to make.  No one forced my hand.  Therefore, if I am not happy with the consequences, then I really have no one to blame but myself. 

In my frustration and sadness last night, I was really upset with myself for making choices that didn’t honor my path.  I chose to help someone with their air mask and cursed the universe for my suffocation. 

In the future, instead of making excuses, I think I would rather make change.  Instead of validating my experience with cooking up reasons, I will acknowledge my core self and learn to make better choices.  No one ever makes excuses when they drop a coin on the floor.  They simply pick it up and choose to hold it differently.  This is the approach I am willing to practice. 

There are two wonderful people I know who do a radio show called, "The Quest of Life."  Their names are Harry Faddis and Steve Sims.  I remember they had a beautiful sign off at the end of their show and I'd like to close out this post with it. 

Harry Faddis: "Take care of yourself..."
Steve Sims: "...and then take care of others."

Exercise 8: Write Anyway!

Exercise 8: Whatever.

Today, I was wrapped up in so many things that I didn’t get a chance to take care of me as much as I wanted.  I didn’t strum on my guitar, get my hair cut, and most importantly, I didn’t write my eighth exercise.  So, I am sitting at my computer 9 minutes after midnight feeling the slight pulse on the back of my head from knocking it on the wall out of frustration. 

Today’s prompt is “Whatever,” as that was the only prompt I could come up with.  None of the prompts from the e-book I have been using worked.  None of the prompts I searched for online resonated.  So, I stared at the computer screen and sighed, “Whatever.” 

This may be my shortest writing yet and it seems more like a rant.  However, if I am to assign myself the task of writing every day for 30 days, a day like this was probably going to come sooner or later.

Sighing off.

Exercise 7: OMG!: What is Your Higher Power?

Exercise 7: What is Your Higher Power?

According to my twisted interpretation of the Bible, on the seventh day, a powerful being finished all of her work, plopped down on the worn couch and admired the results. With a smile on her face, she wiped the sweat off her brow and then wiped her hand on her tattered jeans. She sat there exhausted as she watched her creation spark to life. She was in awe watching the sun, the moon and the planet earth interact with the rest of the solar system. As her eyebrows arched up in amazement and pride, and her eyes welled with tears of joy, she involuntarily moved her lips and said, “O.M.-H.P.!”

She was startled by sound of her own voice. It was the first time she uttered those letters together and so she decided to say it again, but not in text language. She took a deep breath, smiled and said in a confident booming voice, “Oh My Higher Power!”

It was at that moment she realized how powerful she was. She didn’t notice it while she was busy creating the waters. She missed it while designing the contours of the earth. It didn’t even cross her mind while she was imagining the sea, sky and land animals. She was too busy to observe the brilliance of her work as she was lost in the creative process.

But now, sitting back, she could take it all in. From a distance, she could see the beauty of all she accomplished. And that is when it happened. She suddenly realized she was her own higher power! Somewhere inside, always with her, is her higher power. By reflecting, she was able to realize the awesomeness of it.

So from there, she excitedly asked the creatures of the earth to always play nice, and she charged the human creatures to do one more thing. She directed them to reflect on the seventh day of every week. During this day, she instructed them to reflect on their work, which was their life and how great and connected it was to all living beings. She called this reflection the "Greatness Observing Directive." She bestowed Greatness in every creature. And human creatures were charged to honor this Directive.

So feeling another sense of accomplishment, she plopped down once more on the couch and rested fully. She let the weight of her eyelids draw her eyes close and took a long nap.

For many years, the human animals remembered to gather and reflect on the seventh day. The "Greatness Observing Directive" was loved by all as they were able to find their own Greatness and feel a connection with every creature on earth. However, as centuries passed and the language of the people evolved, the "Greatness Observing Directive "was shortened to "G.O.D.," and sometimes simply just "GOD." But still, people honored “GOD” once a week and were able to experience greatness and feel connected.

Many more centuries passed. And correctly, many people thought the importance of reflecting was to find the Greatness within and connecting with the Greatness of all creatures. This is why the "G" in Greatness was capitalized and "O" and "D" in Observing Directive was lowercased. And as the language of the people evolved, similar to our recent changes with text language, the "Great Observing Directive" changed as well. It became G.O.D., which became GOD, and finally, God was created.

People still honored God once a week, but many forgot the original directive. God was no longer a directive but a being with Greatness! And as the years peeled away, human animals, slowly peeled away from their own greatness. They projected all of their greatness onto one being and created a deity. Men made this being into their own likeness so they could attribute all of the wonderful qualities they used to possess and be in touch with into him.

This caused human animals to gradually feet more and more disconnected. They felt disconnected from other animals on the planet. In fact, because they felt disconnected, they became afraid of other animals. Through this separation, they thought themselves better than any of the other animals and placed themselves above all of them. They felt so little connection and compassion that they began to cage and kill them.

And, the disconnection grew like a virus. Just like losing the ability to see Greatness and feel a connection to other animals, human animals, could no longer see the Greatness in each other. And because of this separation, human animals started to see each other as enemies. Some humans thought themselves better than others. They categorized each other by race, gender, class, and by whom they felt affections for. This separation allowed some humans to enslave, torture and kill each other without much remorse.

Throughout the Great separation, humans felt unsure of themselves and whether or not they could find their own greatness. They would conquer other human and non-human animals as well as the earth to try to feel great. But the bloodshed and pain inflicted never truly felt great.

Our powerful being that started at the beginning of the story never did wake from her long nap. She is resting still from all the work she put forth so many years ago. And her slumber is certainly not the tragic part of the story. The tragedy in this story is that many people today are still worshiping the God as a being while forgetting to find their Greatness within and feeling a connection with all creatures. But there is hope.

Some humans still honor God in a more traditional way. They honor the Greatness Observation Directive, and feel Greatness within as well as a connection to all creatures. This small collection of human animals is growing in numbers. And to make amends for the pain and bloodshed, they honor the GOD every day instead of just once every seven days. So every day, more Greatness is honored and more humans are feeling connected to all living beings.

I am one of these humans and although I sometimes forget, I do try to honor the GOD and reflect on the greatness within and around me.

May she who created all things rest peacefully in her slumber, and may we remember to reflect and observe the greatness within and feel connected to all creatures so that she may wake to witness our return to Greatness.