Writing Exercise 18: Friends Without Benefits

Writing Exercise 18: Write about relationships.

Last night, I was at a lovely dinner party at a friend’s apartment in New York City last night overlooking Central Park.  Although the view of Manhattan’s skyline from within the city was breath taking, it was the conversation and compnay that all six of us were intensely enthralled with.  Although some of the dialogue was fun and light, we also discussed ponderous topics including positive and negative trends in the “hook up” culture, personal appreciations, the state of affairs today, and accessing and owning our own privileges.  However, my mind woke up today lingering on one of the topics that was transformative for me: relationships. 

I listened intently last night as our host spoke about transactional relationships.  From what I gathered from him, many of our relationships are transactional relationships.  This means that a transaction happens between two or more people.  And without that transaction, those people might not interact at all.  My thoughts raced to the clerk at the supermarket and the server at the restaurant I dined at the week before.  I would not have a relationship, not dialogue with either one of them if it were not the fact that I was purchasing or ordering items and then paying for them.     

When I left the dinner party, my thoughts surrounded me.  There were too many to fit into the subway, so asked them to join me for a walk up Fifth Avenue towards 125^th street.  As I walked, I bridged several conversations we had.  I thought about transactional relationships within the “hook up/friends with benefits” culture.  If it were not for sex, would those people see each other or even be friends?  And what does it mean to be so physically intimate with someone and not know much else about them?  What does it mean when our privileges allow us to see each other as “others?” Does that give us permission or easy access to keep those we don’t know or understand or fear at a distance?  As I walked by a man sleeping on the cardboard he must have laid on the ground for comfort, I wondered if it was easier to keep the relationship with him transactional.  If I gave him a dollar would I then be purchasing relief from knowing that the systems if unfair?

As I neared 125^th street, I let my thoughts fall away and lay on the ground like the many I saw earlier.  I headed home exhausted, and slept a good sleep.

This morning, I woke refreshed thinking about all my relationships.  I thought about my friends and family and then I spent an hour with my son.  During that hour, I did not expe offer him anything nor expect him to give me anything in return.  We just spent time together for the purpose of being with each other.  We talked, laughed, and then made plans to go dancing later tonight.

I learned a lot being present at dinner last night as well as with my son this morning.  And I intend to apply that to more than just people who are closest to me.  For today, my practice includes being present with those I am with regardless of the transaction.  I intend to be present with my friends regardless of what I can gain or give to them. 

Special thanks to my friends without benefits: Leng, Home, Andy, Roger, and Alex – the Dinner Crew!