Writing Exercise 30: Write about the ending of something.

The Runner, the Avoider, and the Reflector

There are a few ways people respond to the ending of something.  Some people run, some people avoid, and others reflect.  All three types of people can be annoying and frustrating.  Knowing who they are can help you better deal with them, and manage your own suffering, knowing it is not about you.

The people who run from the ending of something can be seen gathering their stuff and standing up in a theater at the end of a movie, just before the credits roll.  They are the ones who are in the aisles making a dash towards the exit before the last frame of the film.  You can never spot them leaving a party as they are the first ones to leave without even saying goodbye.  If you happen to be dating one, you might be lucky enough get a text from them when they decide to break up with you. 

And then there are the avoiders.  These people will watch the film all the way through to the end.  They will attempt to read every name listed on the credits rolling up the screen and then sit in the empty theatre for a moment after the film.  They may have to be ushered out by the staff wanting to clean up the space.  You can easily spot them at a party as they are the ones who will say goodbye for over an hour, and then remain to help tidy up, wash and dry the dishes, and be surprised that everyone else has left.  If you are unlucky, they are the exes that will attempt to keep hanging out with you long after you have broken up.  They might show up to your place of work, hang out space, or home.

And finally, there are the reflectors.  These people will want to go to the diner after the film and review the movie frame by frame, talk about the themes of the film, and then relate it to all human experiences.  In addition, after they see a film, they will read reviews online and then send them to you with their review of the review.  You can easily spot them at a party as they are the ones who talk about the party as if they were a sports commentator and they usually are encouraging people to hang out at an after party, so they can talk more honestly about the party without the hosts present.  If you are unlucky, they might post a vlog or blog about you after you have broken up with them, detailing both your faults and positive qualities.  They may even send you an email a few years later after they have had time to sift through the rubble of your relationship.

Hopefully, after reading this, you are better prepared to spot the three types of ways people deal with endings.  However, if you have read this far, you can discount yourself as the first one.  If you are more like the second one, you can read my other posts on this blog or follow my other blog www.thoughtsfromafeminist.blogspot.com.  And if you happen to be a reflector, please do post a comment below or send me an email.

Note: This was a 30 day writing exercise which has now come to a close.   

Thank you for reading.

James Young

Writing Exercise 29: Is it Déjà vu?

Writing Exercise 29: Journal about something that recently happened.

For all my life, I have had the experience of being in a present reality when I can also recall dreaming about that situation long ago.  I used to call that déjà vu.  However, after researching the terms more thoroughly, I learned that the experience of dreaming something that later happens in real life is commonly mistaken as having déjà vu.  My research indicates that déjà vu is actually being in a new place, but somehow feeling like that place is familiar.  My experience is quite different. 

For example, last night, I was walking about the cruise ship, bored, when all of the sudden a memory hits me.  I recalled that I had a conversation about 10 years ago with my then partner, Johnathan, about a dream.  Standing on the ship last night, I remembered the words I said, and then I started getting flashes of that dream.  As I looked about the stairwell I was climbing, I noticed the wooden bannister, art deco designs in the wall, the glass vases, and the patterned carpet.  All of these images were in the dream I described to my partner so many years ago.  I am certain of it as I apparently dreamt and then shared my dream with my partner thus making me remember more of the details.

Another reason I remember vividly having this conversation with him is because I remember feeling so puzzled.  We were relatively poor and in debt, living in a small rented 2 bedroom apartment in Mohegan Lake with his eleven year old son.  However in this dream I was on a lavish cruise ship with my adopted African America 21 year old son.  In my dream, I also lived in a nice converted 2-bedroom Bronx coop.  None of this made sense.  How could I be living in the Bronx, be on a cruise ship, and have an adult child when we could not even afford the outrageous prices of gas for our cars?  It seemed impossible for me to be living in the Bronx when we lived in Mohegan Lake, and I worked in Rockland County.  I had no ties to the Bronx, and thus dismissed my premonition as merely a wacky dream.   

Well, as it turns out, Johnathan and I split up for years ago. And after climbing out of the ashes of that dissolved relationship, I moved to the Bronx, where I taught, and still teach, at a local private college on Jerome Avenue.  One year later, I was in the process of adoption, and after six months, I was visiting with an 18 year old foster kid once a week, who would later become my son. 

As I write this in the library of the cruise ship, glancing out the window at the gently textured open blue waters while thinking, the dream I dreamt so many years ago doesn’t seem so wacky anymore.  It has become my reality.  My relationship with Johnathan, and his son Jake, is becoming less and less real, and my life with my son is no longer a dream. 

When I have dreams that turn out to be more like remembering the future, I am always left to wonder two things.  Did I have a premonition back then or did I dream of something and then I turned my reality around to make that dream come true?  I suppose it doesn’t matter because I am here now, and I am grateful.  And I so appreciate the ability to have these sorts of dreams and then see them come to life in my waking reality even if my research says that I can’t call it déjà vu. 

Writing Exercise 28: Personal and Public

Writing Exercise 28: Write about your writing exeperience.

Writing can be both a very personal and a public experience.  In the last 28 days, I have written 28 times whether it be stories, poems, or essays.  Within each one, I have poured a little piece of myself into it.  My thoughts and feelings are recorded into the computer as well as my arrogance and mistakes.  This personal experience is then made public when I upload it to this blog. 

Knowing my writing will end up on a blog keeps me accountable to writing every day, but it also can influence my writing.  Sometimes, I will start typing a journal entry only to change most of it in the editing phase for public consumption.  The content remains the same while I will add more details and explanations so that the public may enjoy the piece without having to know me personally.  Other times, I start clicking away on the keyboard with the audience in mind, and I edit my thoughts as I go. 

And like my writing, my audience can be both public and personal.  My public audience is the actual people who read my blog and may even sometimes respond with an email, comment or a Facebook post.  Blogger records how many people read my various posts and tallies them neatly on a statistical page which includes a graph.  According to this chart, I have an average of 10 readers per post, or per day.  Although Blogger keeps these viewers anonymous, I do know a few of the people who read my blog as I also update my Facebook status with my posts.  There, some of my FB friends will read my blog and then post a comment in FB.  However, that doesn’t account for all of those who read my blog, so some still remain as strangers.

My personal audience, you may think would be my FB friends or my actual friends and family who read my blog.  However, you would be mistaken.  When I refer to my personal audience, I am referring to the imaginary, mostly faceless, people in my head that could be reading my blog.  I think they are the same voices that make comments when I look in the mirror in the morning that tell me I am not good enough.  You might have a similar audience in your head.  These are the voices that are the most critical.  They say things like, “You aren’t fit enough, nice enough, smart enough, strong enough, whatever enough.”  And it has a very limited vocabulary which includes words like won’t, can’t, no, and such.

So when I write, I tend to focus my attention to my personal stories and opinions, but I try to bypass my personal audience in my head and focus on the public audience that is slowly growing.  If I were to spend too much time with the personal audience in my head, then I would probably never have started writing for every day, for 30 days.  The critical voice would have stopped me long ago.  I am grateful for learning to bypass that audience so that I can post this for you. 

Oh, and thank you for reading this as my public.

And if you want to post a comment, please do so below or send me an email. 

Writing Exercise 27: Top, Bottom, and Versatile, Oh My!

Writing Exercise 27: Write about something you feel very strongly about.

In 1948, Alfred Kinsey studied human sexuality and postulated that the missionary position was coined by the people of the South Pacific.  There, missionaries tried to convert the natives to Christianity and wanted them to also adopt a way of having sex.  The preferred way, according to the missionaries included inserting the penis into the vagina with the man on top and the women on the bottom.  The man on top allowed him to have more control or power over his female partner and it was assumed that he would initiate the sexual encounter.  The locals thought it strange to be prescribed only one way to have intercourse between a man and a woman and named this position after the missionaries. 

It is now 2012 and although most people regardless of sexual orientation have sex in many different positions, it seems like many men who have sex with men still use hetero normative concepts, including the missionary position to relate to sex and sexuality. Scanning through personal ads on Craigslist, Grindr, Mister, Jack’d, or Adam4Adam, common apps or websites for men who have sex with men to meet potential partners, one can easily find guys declaring their sexual position as Top, Bottom or Versatile. 

Although it may be helpful for a man to find a willing partner to be the inserter or the insertee, the terms Top or Bottom is a misnomer.  One does not have to be on top to be the inserter, or on the bottom to be the insertee.  Also, these hetero normative terms describe more than a physical position; it generally assumes the characteristics of that man.  For instance, the “Top” may be viewed as in control and aggressive.  It can also be assumed that he would be the one in control, similar to the hetero normative structure.  However, the man who is interested in penetrating his partner may not be, or want to be, the one in control.  Furthermore, the “Top” may not even initiate the sexual encounter.  And of course, the reverse is true for the “Bottom.”  Someone who is interested in being penetrated could be sitting on top of their partner, might be aggressive, as well as initiate sex.  Assumptions about tops and bottoms are made with these terms, and they could confuse the sex partners if they aren’t clear about what they expect or want from their partner aside from penetrating or getting penetrated.

And similar to hetero normative structures about being a man and a woman, assumptions about tops and bottoms not only are active in the bedroom.  They are vibrant in the culture as well.  Many men who have sex with men will value tops, much like the larger culture values men.  Bottoms, are related to females and are therefore deemed less valuable, yet more plentiful.  Evidence for this can be seen in the evolution of these terms.  Someone who enjoys being penetrated and is masculine, aggressive, and physically on top might be referred to as a “power bottom.”  Bottoms are also wrongly assumed to be more financially dependent on their partners, whereas tops are wrongly assumed to be more financially stable.

Aside from borrowing the hetero normative concept of top and bottom from our missionary ancestors, there are three other issues with these labels.  First, it is generally assumed that two tops and two bottoms cannot have sex with each other, nor be in a relationship together.  This “filtering” mechanisms that helps men find potential sex partners, actually does more than filter.  It limits. So many men will pass up the opportunity to meet another man due to their listed sexual preference: Top or Bottom.  This is problematic as sex between two or more people is not just about penetration.

This leads us to the second issue.  The second issue is that many men who have sex with other men may choose to have sex without penetration.  Men can engage in mutual masturbation with their sex partner where they both masturbate themselves.  They can also masturbate each other, engage in oral sex, and enjoy each other’s bodies in many other ways without penetration.  The binary labels of tops and bottoms assume that men only want to and must have anal penetration in order to have sex.  This is another self-imposed limitation.  It can be quite fun and sexually arousing to engage in various sex acts that don’t include anal penetration.  Claiming to be a top or a bottom values penetration as the ultimate goal, and that if the two or more people don’t get to insert something, then something has gone terribly wrong. 

The third issue about using Tops and Bottoms as labels is that they can lead to assumptions.  Sex is a physically intimate activity and is linked to our emotions as well.  It might be safer to speak less about sex and simply use these labels to know what our sex partner wants.  But the truth is that no one really fully knows what their sex partner wants without some sort of communication. 

Knowing whether or not he is a top or bottom is only the first step to knowing him.  Some men, at various sometimes, like it slow, fast, rough, gentle, and sometimes all of those in one romp!  How can the labels top and bottom convey all of that?  They don’t.  That is why some men have reported that they had bad sex.  They say their partners were clueless in the bedroom.  And although that might be the case, it is possible to clue them in by communicating with each other with more than asking if he is a top or bottom. 

And finally, just because a man has labeled himself as a top or bottom doesn’t mean that he would want to top or bottom in every encounter.  So communication with each other is vital not only to being good in bed, but also to gaining sexual consent.  Many men who are attracted to men have reported going along with the sexual encounter even when they didn’t really want to because they were afraid or embarrassed to express how they were feeling.  Communication between sex partners can open the door to more sexual gratification as well as stop men from going further than their partner actually wants them to. 

And there is hope.  Many men who are having sex with men are declaring themselves as versatile, meaning they are willing, able and interested in having sex as the insertive partner or the insertee, or with no anal penetration at all!  The versatile label allows more sexual freedom between the two or more people who are interested in having sex.  Some men subscribe to the, “If there is chemistry and consent, then trying different and new things is a go.” Many men who have sex with men who declare themselves as versatile will not assume that their partner wants anything, and will tend to ask more questions.  This allows for more communication and sexual gratification.

The labels top and bottom may be a great filtering tool for hook ups, and anonymous sex, but the dangers of using those labels outweigh the benefits.  This hetero normative concept values one over the other, limit the definition of sex to only include penetration, encourage assumptions and discourage communication, and supports sexual assault and rape.  Using less of the archaic concepts borrowed from the missionaries of 1948 that spread hetero normative propaganda may allow all people, including heterosexual Christian missionaries of today, to be open to trying different and new things, value all people regardless of their sexual desires, communicate with their sex partners, and increase their sexual gratification.

Writing Exercise 26: Shaving It Off

Writing Exercise 26: Create an experience with a twist.

          

Shaving it Off.

The desserts on the buffet were extravagantly dressed.  Some were layered with chocolate ribbons and doused with raspberry sauce, while others were adorned with fruit trimmings in the shape of rose petals, swan wings and hearts filled with decadence!  I masterfully eased my way through the crowd that was rushing towards the confectionary delights.  I turned sideways as I walked with my filled plate, thus allowing me to snake through the hordes of people aching for a sugary mouthful.  I found a quiet corner and started to dig my fingers into the fresh whipped cream.  I find it tastes better that way.  Something about eating with my fingers makes food taste just that much better.  It makes my consumption a tactile experience as well as a tasty delight.  And this first taste was surely a very different experience.  When I pulled my finger from the piled high whipped cream, I noticed a hair threaded through cream on my finger.  Gross!  If extravagantly dressed desserts don’t shave, I would rather not have any!

Writing Exercise 15: Autopilot vs. Out-of-Pilot

One of my guilty pleasures in life is to get in my car and drive.  Now, I don’t mean driving to run an errand.  I mean I like to get in my car and drive long distances.  I start by plugging in my iPhone to my stereo system, and then head towards Interstate 87 North, the nearest highway by Fordham Manor, where I live.  Once I merge onto I-87, my iPhone and I rock that ride for the entire the distance, with me singing mostly off key to all the songs on my playlist,.

It is quite the norm for me to use the cruise control feature on my car’s steering wheel.  When I was younger, I used to think cruise control meant the car would drive its self, steering left and right all the way to the desired destination.  I thought all cars with cruise control were akin to Kit, the automated or was it robotic car in the television show, “Knight Rider.”  Imagine my dismay when I learned Kit was not real and cruise control only continued the speed of the vehicle set by the driver. 

Nowadays, I know better and I use cruise control quite often, fully understanding what it can and cannot do.  I set the speed and ease my foot off the gas pedal so I can use it to keep rhythm to the song I am singing to while driving. 

Sometimes, I can drive for hours, partying all the way to the next point of interest, and not remember most of the drive.  I call this the autopilot mode.  Just to be clear, this is not a reference to the car in “Knight Rider” again.  This autopilot mode is the experience of forgetting what I am doing, yet doing it all the same and getting the job done.  However, while I am doing the task, in this case: driving, I am doing it successfully, though most of my consciousness was on something else, in this case: singing – and maybe a little dancing. This is the autopilot mode.  You may have experienced this before.  You might have talked on the phone while walking to work, all the while, avoided crashing into people or dodged cars as you crossed the street.  But when you get to work, you may not even recall having walked those four blocks from the train to your office.  Or perhaps you have had the experience where you are meeting someone new for the first time, and you exchange pleasantries and names, but as soon as you walk away, you can’t remember half of what they said or even their name!  When part of your consciousness is diverted or distracted, you might be on autopilot.

If you have done that, you are not alone.  Many people experience various parts of their lives on autopilot mode.  When the activity is routine, boring, or simple, it is natural to put our attention towards something else.  In fact, psychologists who study motivational theories say if we are performing a mundane task, we need to have some extra stimulation or arousal otherwise our performance will suffer.  So being on autopilot is not only helpful in these situations, but necessary for us to complete some tasks successfully.

However, there is a vast difference between being on autopilot and daydreaming versus being out-of-pilot and out of control.  For those of us who are guilty of texting while walking, we know when we have multi-tasked just one too many things when a car honks at us as they nearly misses running us over!  Being out-of-pilot is just that!  It is when we are no longer in control of the situation we are engaged in.  Being out of control means that something, or someone, is going to make decisions for us.  

And in some cases that is very much okay.  However, if we are in a plane and it was out-of-pilot, we rightfully would be nervous.  There are other times when we should also be anxious.  For example, texting while walking might be dangerous, especially if we are crossing the street, but texting while driving is being out-of-pilot, as too much of our attention and vision is being drawn away from the quick approaching road ahead of us. 

I tend to find my out-of-pilot mode kicks on when I am angry or upset with something or someone and time is too short to sort out all of my feelings.  In those situations, I can become quite unreasonable and demanding, not act like my usual charming self.  Another place where my out-of-pilot mode engages is when I am eating.  On many occasions, I will start a meal by looking at my plate and think, “How will I ever finish all of this food.”  Minutes later, I will be surprised by the empty plate staring back at me and I will think, “Where did all that food go?”

So when I am upset, or faced with a plate full of food, I practice turning the out-of-pilot off and engage the manual override.  I mentally scan my body and monitor my forkfuls along with my chewing. This works most of the time, but usually I am so on autopilot in my life, I forget to continue this practice.  I so wish I had an automated or robotic plate, like Kit, that would help remind me to be more engaged. Until then, I wish for myself as well as all people to engage and enjoy the autopilot and turn off the out-of-pilot.  If you need help, try using my manual override code: practice.

Writing Exercise 24: Nothing

Writing Exercise 24:  Nothing

Today, I am writing in muse-less room.  There is nothing extraordinary about this room, but that is not the problem.  My muse is being muted by Tom Cruise’s voice on the television as he plays Ethan, the man who accomplishes another impossible mission.  So, I write this with him on the television, my son on the couch, and me on my half-hearted self-imposed writing assignment. 

I made several attempts to write something of substance and found myself consistently being distracted.  It could have been the nuclear warhead in the movie or the clicking of my son twirling his hematite necklace around his two fingers on his right hand.  Whatever it was, when I searched for new words to put on the page, I found my voice was blocked.  I tried to write about questions, friends, and sexist dress codes.  Each time I started, all I could manage was a half a sentence, like a sneeze that never comes out, but lingers at the bridge of your nose without relief. 

So I gave into the block, the nothingness.   I started by putting my computer to the side and watched Ethan put on his goggles and wrap a scarf around his face while chasing the bad guy in a sandstorm.  I then realized that my thoughts rested on one word: nothing. And from nothing, something emerged.  I picked up my laptop and started typing, adding to the cacophony of noises in the room.  Soon, I couldn’t decipher which clicking sound was from me typing and which was from the hematite necklace.

This is a spiritual lesson for me as I tend to force things to happen in my life even when it gets difficult.  I see it as a test of endurance and discipline.  Since I started this writing exercise, I committed myself to sit at my computer once a day until I had a somewhat finished product.  And today, as I sat in my stubbornness, nothing was pouring out of me, and I refused to listen.  However, by letting go of my own rigidity, I was able to tap into the muse from within, much like the woman who created the earth (see Got Higher Power?).  By setting my writing aside, both figuratively and literally, I was able to go with the flow from within.  When I put my computer aside, I could finally hear more than Tom or the clicking of my son’s necklace.  I was able to listen to the voice within. 

I started today’s writing with one word.  I started this writing with “Nothing,” and I am grateful for that. I have learned the benefits of going with the flow versus swimming against it.  I have learned to incorporate my environment into my writing, and I have learned to spend time with my son while plugging away on my work.  From nothing, I have gained so much.

Writing Exercise 23: The Other Macro Perspective

Writing Exercise 23: Write about an experience you had from a third person’s point of view.

The Other Macro Perspective

Sitting on the balcony of his stateroom on the Carnival Miracle ship heading to Puerto Rico, James’s gaze softened into the vast openness of water, sky and sun.  He watched the sun dip ever so slowly, like molasses, towards the many colors of the ocean.  The sun’s light is a peaceful peachy color that baths the water in a mixture of metallic orange and light blue.  This is highlighted by the navy and black shadows, dustd with a few crested whitecaps.  The ocean is also textured.  Like his eighty-six year old father’s face, it was speckled and touched by years of movement and experience.   Above the water, the sun floats in the soft blue hues in the sky.  He notices the orange and white Popsicle wisps of color in the sky nearest to the sun as it dances with the clouds.

His eyes adjust to the soft colors as his spirit adjusts to the comforts of the cruise.  In the last six hours, he went from rushing to parking his beat up Honda Civic in Manhattan, riding the screeching tin box underground people refer to as the subway, and speed walking on the hard concrete and pavement, so he and his son could make it to the cruise on time, all the way to sitting on the balcony of his stateroom, breathing the fresh salty air, and witnessing the soft and lush colors of this natural world. 

And what a world it was!  He felt his shoulders relax, although he didn’t realize they were tense before.  Something about staring out into the wide open space of the waters gave him permission to widen the space in his heart.  That, and the many perks of the cruise restored him.  He enjoyed a luxurious vegan entrée, walked for what seemed miles on the many levels of the ship, took a dip in two of the four pools on board, and took a salsa dance lesson where he performed in front of onlookers.

It has been only four hours since the ship launched, and he already felt at ease.  Taking this cruise was one of the more difficult decisions he had to make.  And now, he felt embarrassed by all the fuss he made about booking it.  He rightfully thought cruises were for those of privilege, but failed to realize that they were also a way to relax and unwind.  For him, sitting and watching the sun blaze in the sky was a privilege he had never known until just now. 

James sat for a few more minutes before he got up and pulled on the heavy door to get back in the stateroom.  He booked a surprise “Top to Toes” spa treatment for his son that would start in a few minutes.   “Perhaps,” he thought, “Blair could use some softening and widening in his gaze of the world too.  Just as he stepped back in from the balcony, he blurted out, “Are you ready?”

Puzzled, Blair asked in his I-am-tired-and-want-to-whine tone, “Where are you taking me now? You already made me run 1.5 miles at gym!  What else could you want from my life?”

James took a little too long to answer as he was too busy looking back out at the water.   Grinning, he slowly shifted his gaze to his son and said with a glint in his eyes, “Come on!  It’s a surprise!” 

 

Writing Exercise 22: Zen Writing

Writing Exercise: Describe what is happening now.

My laundry is in the spin cycle downstairs, or rather down the elevator, in the basement.  My son is oversleeping in his halfheartedly cleaned up room when he should be out looking for work.  Me, I am sitting erect at my desk in the living room clicking off the tasks on my list.

Writing this entry has been the most difficult one yet.  As writing what is happening right now is so elusive.  The moment my mind catches a thought, something else is then happening.  It’s like meditating while writing. 

For example, in the last paragraph, I heard people’s voices in varied languages, cars rolling past my block and a plane struggling to gain altitude outside of the window to my left.  However, as I write this, all that has changed, the 4 Train is now rattling by instead.  Focusing inward, I feel my face full of heat and perspiration and can hear the clicking of the keyboard as I type.

All the while, another noise is creeping up psychologically.  In the back of my mind, I keep wondering how I can write about what is happening right now when there are so many things happening, well, right now.  I have to surrender and admit my humanity only allows me to focus on a few things at once.  And my fingers, well, I can only type as fast as I can.  How do writers figure out what to put down and what to let go of?

Well, that may be tomorrow’s entry.  For now, I have to turn my attention to one thing which is walking out of the living room, out of my apartment and taking the elevator to the basement to finish up my laundry.

NOTE: I will be without internet access for 8 days starting tomorrow.  Therefore, I will continue to write my daily exercise and then upload them on Friday, the 10^th.  Until then, I will miss y’all!

If you want to read some of my other work, please check out: www.thoughtsfromafeminist.blogspot.com

Writing Exercise 21: Xander's Training

Writing Exercise 21: Write from another person’s perspective.

At 8 PM, Xander hurried home sweaty and exhausted from Physical Training (PT) with the Marines.  He dropped his bag, and rushed for the bathroom to take the long awaited piss building in his bladder in the last hour.  As he pulled down his shorts to pee, his arms resisted.  The muscles in his biceps were too taut to allow him to perform this mundane task of straightening his arms.  Panicked that he would pee in his pants, Xander bent his knees feeling his thighs burn and he lowered his shorts.  A long and silent breath escaped his lips as he relived himself in one of the most awkward positions he has ever taken to take a piss. 

Knees and elbows bent, he shook himself dry and pulled his shorts back up grunting from the strain in his arms and legs.  He waddled over to the sink only 2 feet away and decided that washing his hands would take too much effort.  He brushed the wetness off of his right hand on the limp towel as he stumbled out of the bathroom. 

Falling onto the mattress looked much easier to do in his head.  His stiff body wouldn’t even let him collapse with the force of gravity.  So he grunted one more time as he tried to soften his knees to sit down.  It seemed like every muscle, even ones he didn’t know he had, was working against him.  It was just too much effort to put his feet on the bed, so he kept his feet on the floor and felt the cramping of his abs as he laid back. 

Xander stared at the ceiling for a minute and wonderer what the heck he was doing.  All this pain and stress on the body was for what?  He couldn’t even answer this time.  A tear rolled out of his left eye as he thought about the distance between the man he wants to be and the man that he is tonight.  He wondered if anyone else ever felt this way as he drifted off to sleep, his body twitching every few minutes before it finally relaxed in slumber.

Writing Exercise 20: Haiku for the Heart

Writing Exercise 20: Write a Haiku.

                           The heart keeps beating

        without sound nor forgiveness.
Stiff body and mind.

Writing Exercise 19: Healthy Inputs and Healthy Outputs

Exercise: Write about your health.

I tend to think of myself as a healthy kind of guy. I take care to watch what I put into this body and what I put out.

When it comes to healthy living, I pay attention to what I consume. I try to maintain a healthy diet for my body, including lots of leafy green vegetables. However, my healthy consumption doesn't stop there. I do what I can to also maintain a healthy mindset by watching very little mass media and choosing wisely what materials I will read. Keeping a watch on what I consume both physically and mentally allows me to live a more healthy and happy life.

And the way I live a healthy and happy life can be seen by what put out into the world through my behavior. As you may expect, as a healthy minded person, I don't litter, and I recycle as much as I can. In fact, I have been know to go as far as reusing plastic forks, spoons and knives by bringing them home and washing them! In addition to reducing the amount of material waste I put out, I also practice active listening and mindful communication. It is my intention to be in conversations that promote growth and healthy living. By being mindful of my negative and harsh judgements, I can filter out those ideas so I don't vocalize them. This practice could be considered the anti-littering of the mind campaign. It isn't easy to do, but I think I am healthier and happier for not dumping on my friends or gossiping about people.

So although I have much work to do in order to sustain my health, paying attention to what I take in and what I put out is one way I make it more manageable.

May you be healthy in body, mind and spirit!

Writing Exercise 18: Friends Without Benefits

Writing Exercise 18: Write about relationships.

Last night, I was at a lovely dinner party at a friend’s apartment in New York City last night overlooking Central Park.  Although the view of Manhattan’s skyline from within the city was breath taking, it was the conversation and compnay that all six of us were intensely enthralled with.  Although some of the dialogue was fun and light, we also discussed ponderous topics including positive and negative trends in the “hook up” culture, personal appreciations, the state of affairs today, and accessing and owning our own privileges.  However, my mind woke up today lingering on one of the topics that was transformative for me: relationships. 

I listened intently last night as our host spoke about transactional relationships.  From what I gathered from him, many of our relationships are transactional relationships.  This means that a transaction happens between two or more people.  And without that transaction, those people might not interact at all.  My thoughts raced to the clerk at the supermarket and the server at the restaurant I dined at the week before.  I would not have a relationship, not dialogue with either one of them if it were not the fact that I was purchasing or ordering items and then paying for them.     

When I left the dinner party, my thoughts surrounded me.  There were too many to fit into the subway, so asked them to join me for a walk up Fifth Avenue towards 125^th street.  As I walked, I bridged several conversations we had.  I thought about transactional relationships within the “hook up/friends with benefits” culture.  If it were not for sex, would those people see each other or even be friends?  And what does it mean to be so physically intimate with someone and not know much else about them?  What does it mean when our privileges allow us to see each other as “others?” Does that give us permission or easy access to keep those we don’t know or understand or fear at a distance?  As I walked by a man sleeping on the cardboard he must have laid on the ground for comfort, I wondered if it was easier to keep the relationship with him transactional.  If I gave him a dollar would I then be purchasing relief from knowing that the systems if unfair?

As I neared 125^th street, I let my thoughts fall away and lay on the ground like the many I saw earlier.  I headed home exhausted, and slept a good sleep.

This morning, I woke refreshed thinking about all my relationships.  I thought about my friends and family and then I spent an hour with my son.  During that hour, I did not expe offer him anything nor expect him to give me anything in return.  We just spent time together for the purpose of being with each other.  We talked, laughed, and then made plans to go dancing later tonight.

I learned a lot being present at dinner last night as well as with my son this morning.  And I intend to apply that to more than just people who are closest to me.  For today, my practice includes being present with those I am with regardless of the transaction.  I intend to be present with my friends regardless of what I can gain or give to them. 

Special thanks to my friends without benefits: Leng, Home, Andy, Roger, and Alex – the Dinner Crew!

Exercise 17: What About 100%?

Today, I am mobile and using my cell phone to write my blog. Interesting experience.


Writing exercise 17: Why should students give 100%?


As a professor at a private college, I often hear students talking about aiming for a B grade or being happy with just a passing grade. And as a former full time night student who worked during the day and on weekends I very much can understand why they would choose to settle for a low grade. However, there is something special about the students who do make it their intention to get the highest grade possible by giving their 100%.


Students who put there best foot forward and challenge themselves not only do well in my classes, but tend to do well in all of their classes. And in my class, they tend to absorb more of the content, apply more of the learned concepts, and stress less about tests, quizzes and final examinations. This is not to say that they don't study. This just means that after they study, they tend to feel more confident walking into a test than their counter parts. And that confidence is carried into their workplace as well as in their homes.


Students who give 100% learn not only the content of the courses they are taking, but they learn the valuable skills it takes to achieve results they want. While learning about psychology, writing, and sociology in my classes, these students also learn strategies for accomplishing tasks individually as well as in group projects. They also acquire better foresight, time management and multi-tasking skills, and personal ecology.


Those who give their best in the classrooms make their courses more interesting, learn a set of valuable skills along with the course content and serve as a good role model for others as they tend to be the happiest students I know. After all, wouldn't you be happier if you knew you did your absolute best?


When I was a child, my dad used to tell me that if I wanted to shoot an arrow to the 21st floor that I should aim higher. He said that gravity and friction from the air would slow down my arrow and would make it hit a mark much lower than my original goal.


So for students who are not yet convinced that aiming for an A grade for all the reasons I listed above, consider my father's story. If you want a passing grade, you may want to aim for an A anyway as you just might then get exactly what you want!

Exercise 16 - An Imagination Within a Dream

Exercise 16: Write about a recent dream.

Whoa!  I just woke up from an intense dream!  I was a participant in a workshop with a spiritual leader from India.  He asked everyone to talk about what it might be like to visit India on a vacation.  As the participants, in order, rattled off what they would be doing, seeing, and experiencing, the story was building.  When the story got to me, our "character" was in the hotel.  A man sitting on opposite of me looked into my eyes and laughed as he blurted, out of turn, "What if we ran into one of his kids?"

So I was game.  I continued the story.  I said that we would see the spiritual leader's son and we would chat with him for a bit.  The spiritual leader stopped me and asked me why I chose to speak with his son.  I replied that I was influenced by the man across the way to meet with his children.  He then responded with a series of questions.  He asked me why I didn’t also speak with his daughter.  I responded that I was going to let the next person add that part of the story.  Unsatisfied with my answer, he continued his inquiry, or rather his psychoanalysis, probing for something deeper.  I sensed my defenses, like a wall made of recycled paper was being easily, and yet gently, torn down by his final question.

His question was more of a series of statements.  It blinded me at first like walking out of a movie theater into the bright afternoon sun.  And soon my mind’s eye adjusted and was able to see the beautiful colors and richness of my story.  His question was, “Why did you envision the boy walking away and not running towards me, his father?  Why did you not see us embracing in a hug while wearing smiles upon our hearts and faces?”

I was stunned.  I didn’t speak, but I could hear my thoughts as everyone else started to slowly evaporate into nothingness.  Why was I picturing the boy in my imagination without affection?  Is that the way in which I live my life?  Do I withhold affection towards the people I love?  If so, why would I do that?  Can I choose to be more physically affectionate with those I love?  Is that something I want?

I woke up shortly after asking myself these questions and slowly came to the realization that my vivid dream helped shift a part of me.  I know not what will come of this, but I feel lighter and more inspired.  I am thankful for my unconscious helping me along.  It felt like I dove so deep into my unconscious, like in the movie, “Inception.”  I was dreaming of being in a workshop where I used my imagination to see myself in a hotel with a boy.  Whoa!  That is intense! 

Exercise 15: 3 Benefits of My Degree

Writing Exercise 15: What did college do for you?

I have the luxury of walking into a private college and sit with about 30 students, 4-days a week, and get paid for it.  This is a far cry from what my life was like ten years ago.    Back then, I was the student going to school full-time at night while working full-time during the day as well as working for a DJ on the weekends.

I was unclear as to what direction my future would take, but I knew that earning my college degree would afford me privileges.  I believed both my income and opportunities would change for the better.  I didn’t know then, but it was my confidence that changed most significantly for the better.

Since graduation, my income has doubled.  When I first earned my degree, I got an initial pay raise at the job I was already working at.  I enjoyed that pay raise, and also yearned to make more money so that I could be more comfortable with my lifestyle.  I wanted to be able to eat at a restaurant and not worry about paying for the bill or go food shopping and not have to put items back if I didn’t have enough money.  I didn’t want to skip paying one bill so that I could pay another.  So to satisfy my financial hunger, I started looking for work that would allow me to continue to do what I was interested in and pay me more handsomely.

This is when I realized more opportunities were available to a college graduate with a master’s degree.  I noticed when I was on the hunt for work, I would find jobs asking for a bachelor’s or master’s degree and I still qualified as an applicant.  In fact, my current job required a master’s degree.  If I didn’t have my degree, I would not be able to apply. 

So it is true, my degree offered me both a handsome salary as well as the opportunity to teach at the college level, allowing me to make my schedule and live the lifestyle I know can afford.  And although those benefits are significant, what is most significant to me is since I earned my degree, I feel confident.  I stand taller, speak with more conviction, and smile more often.

What did your college degree do for you?  If you don’t have a degree, what could one do for you?  I don’t know if the benefits will be the same as mine, but I am pretty sure that having a degree made my life just a little better.

Exercise 14: Do Something Now

Writing Exercise 14: Write a short poem.

It isn’t your fault you were raised the way you were raised.

You are not to blame for what happened to you.
Your history, your past may belong to you,
but it was others who did so many things to you.

It isn’t your fault you were raised the way you were raised.

You are not at fault for what you have been through.
The misery and tragedy you have lived through
wasn’t fair for your family or for you.

It isn’t your fault you were raised the way you were raised.

You are not responsible for all the whens and hows.
However, the present moment now takes a bow
as it is your privilege to do something now.